maya-1

THIS IS THE FIRST PART ........

Lokesh the pure sat at the steps of the temple contemplating.....he was there to oversee the distribution of alms to the everyday temple beggars...but his mind was elsewhere....being the devout temple priest he always knew that just the chanting of mantras mechanically will not lead to any salvation...all it will lead to is a simple life with no frills.....but he really wanted to experience the 'unspeakable bliss' that the books always refer to...the greatest experience that any human can ever have in his life...the point of no return........ where having attained that state...the greatest of thrills of the world appear to be partly child's play....he always knew he wanted that....even when he was a kid it was always the tallest tree,the farthest fruit that appealed to him.......ever since he was initiated to the brahmanic rituals through a ceremony...and was made to shave his head and tie the top-knot...he always knew his place was among the greatest of gurus...the stalwarts of spirituality..............

he was found to be sharp at the 'gurukul' ,the place where brahmins from poor families send their children in the hope that they would live a respectable life of culture and decent income
....had an uncanny ability to remember sanskrit shlokas....and great in interpretation and analysis of vedic scriptures....

but now there was a splinter in his mind...a single word which was giving him sleepless nights...he was amazed at the hold of that word over him...a word which symbolized a concept which was so subtle that if you blink you will miss it.
and Lokesh had blinked........

lokesh the pure set out.....bundled his clothes and a few meagre belongings .
"god bless his soul" said the head priest.
"he has finally realized that he is made for big things...he has finally reached the stage of vairagya- renunciation"
Was he really setting out for renunciation-lokesh didnt know..but he was sure that he could no longer face the daily grind of the temple puja and the day to day monotony of this life.he wanted to seek.he wanted freedom.he wanted peace......and of course there was that word...........


lokesh the pure roamed the forests of god knows which part of india..subsisting on wild berries and alms from the villages.....drinking water only from the rivers and the streams.....sleeping on the bare earth....and meditating under the shade of the trees......even though it was a hard life....it was not at all adventurous but he was satisfied...finally he was living a life he wanted to live...... but whenever he was eating or walking or doing anything other than meditating....the word bothered him.............................................

the definition was no headache really-it meant 'illusion'.what was not real.what was just a sham......but it still puzzled him.how can the world be unreal.how can it be just an illusion..................

it was a hot april afternoon...and his agony over the word reached a frenzy...probably accentuated by the hot lava of the blazing sun......his head started swirling...and he collapsed under a peepal tree...........

musicology.........

there is something strange about u2.......the more u listen the more giddily happy you feel.....i mean even the war songs and all.....maybe its the guitaring....the strange unique sound of theirs.......i dont know what. the first time i heard them...back in class 9....i was this metal hungry adrenaline-driven teenager...who wanted to hear great riffs....but then mazum gave me 'joshua tree' ...and i was like...what is this sissy music......................................

I still remember....D came upto me on teacher's day and said-'try this thing man they rock!!'.....it was metallica....and that day changed my concept of music......never had i heard such powerful vocals and such mindnumbing guitar.......then there was the GN'R phase...man i must have heard that 'live era' CD about a thousand times....followed by def leppard,van halen,deep purple etc etc and the metalhead was born......my parents never understood why i needed to listen to such 'violent' music...why couldnt i listen to normal hindi stuff...but they never interfered.....in our play group there were 5 of us who used to listen to rock.me,mazum,the twins and coney...mazum's elder bro was this huge metal/rock fan...and he had an amazing collection of cassettes.....it became our base standard...we used to go to mazum's house open that huge drawer under the tv and do a lucky dip kinda of thing to pull out a cassette.i listened to so many obscure bands like this........then we began building our own collections....i had a few aerosmiths,def leppards and scorpions...meanwhile the twins bought a cd player...and that ushered in mp3s........and we began listening to a lot of stuff very quickly .the only band that i can say that i grew up with is linkin park.......in hindsight i feel it was a bit retrograde for us to listen to rock when the flavour of the day was clearly hip-hop...........

but over the years you tend to become mellow.......you start liking different music for different reasons....like i was surprised that i actually liked 'desert rose' when i came to college but i used to hate that song in school......began liking a host of bryan adams and sting and phil collins songs which i never knew could feel like that.
....and then there is u2......it is such an uplifting experience listening to u2 lying on the lawn staring at the sky watching the moon rise up......my favourite is 'pride in the name of love'...from the album the unforgettable fire...there is this strange magnetism about bono's voice in this song...and the video just rocks!! also 'Gloria' from the album 'october'.......a great example of prodigiously brilliant song-writing...........

lately been listening to a bit of indian classical instrumental(!!)...i always liked percussion coz i have a diploma in tabla...and zakir hussain,sivamani and trilok gurtu just take my breath away......there is something about the tabla which no other percussion instrument can emulate....its as if the tabla has a life on its own...rather that just being an accompanying instrument..........

dont know where this musical quest is taking me........lets see....

the nothingness ...................

well of late i feel empty....not in the gastronomic sense but a void of feelings and emotions...feel as though i dont feel anything anymore......it seems such a drag to go on living like this......the all encompassing black hole of a heart sucking in every drop of............... you know........blood........the eyes which see selfishness everywhere.....even in the teacup where the monster of milk mixed with leaves sublimate the existence of the sugar cubes....sleep is strange......it is when the sane mind rests and when the inner eye is restless....churning up images that you suppress in the day they walk out of you like semi-human zombies and terrorise the neighbourhood................. .the merciless clock ticks life away.....swinging its swords to the noon of armageddon...or is it midnight?it cant be midnight.....for midnight is a misnomer...a sham...a fake fakir numbimg our senses to the passage of time.....fooling us to a false sense of security...that half the night is still there.........but ask the owls and their human morphs....they will tell you how time accelerates after the closed hand namaste of the midnight hour ..................................

suddenly there is light......not the natural but the electric....."rajat you allright? you have been screaming in your sleep....you are always such a peaceful sleeper.....a bad dream??" the human form of my dad speaks as if from far away.....i finally come to my senses...."ummm...ya its ok..." the light is switched off and there is silence once again.....i stare out the window into the shimmering night sky and hear the occasional flutter of wings from the birds in the trees........then i see them........ a pair of shimmering diamonds....in front of me on the window sill......i imagine 2 stars staring me in the face.......i open my mouth to scream and all i hear is deafening silence.......maybe not all zombies-of-the-night go away when you wake up.................................